IR: Hellboy II The Golden Army

Elven Prince Nuada is on a mission to awaken the unstoppable Golden Army and destroy humankind; only Hellboy and the BPRD can stop him!

When Jim brought this DVD home for us to re-watch, I was the one most enthusiastic, having as I did selective memories of how sexy Prince Nuada was. When I asked if I could watch it alone since Jim had to be away for one day, he said it was fine, “But remember that it’s a shit film!” My memories told me it was a damn fine sexy film so I ignored this and got down to some enthusiastic viewing the next day.
I don’t know why, but on my first viewing, I’d apparently missed quite how…shit it is. I admit it. It is not a great film. The opening sequence of the old man explaining the myth of the Golden Army to (assumedly?) Young Hellboy is badly acted and completely unnecessary. The film takes entirely too long to get to the action and the main plot, which in my mind centres all around Prince Nuada and his family, and doesn’t include all that flabby time-filling based in the Good Guy House. Liz is pregnant and can’t possibly find a good moment to tell Hellboy until a few days later when it suits the plot to have a dramatic revelation. Take into account he had a dagger lodged inside him and could die at any moment, and she has to wait to be told by a guy in a cave to do the obvious thing. Plus you’d have thought that Hellboy might have twigged that he was missing something important, when Fishboy began to tell him and Liz (conveniently) woke up yelling at him to shut up. All time wasted that could have been spent following sexy staff-wielding Prince Nuada and getting in a bit more character development for him, since all we know from start to finish is that 1) he has a border-incestuous relationship with his sister and 2) he has made it his destiny to start a war or die trying. The one thing I did get right on my first viewing is how attractive he is, but my brain apparently gave him much more screen-time than in reality, which I realise now on second viewing. Ok, so plot: shaky. But there are some other things to merit the film, for example the set design (beautifully intricate) and the character and costume design. By no means a great film, but worth a watch if you either appreciate good scenery, or think guys who know how to use their pole are hot.

3/5

Hellboy II: The Golden Army is a film which disappointed me no end on the first watching. I thought perhaps I had been unjustly harsh to it and in reviewing the DVD I hoped to analyse it more thoroughly. However, it turns out I had a point.
There are lots of things to like in Hellboy II, however they are individual moments, isolated scenes, little ideas, designs and performances which are dotted around the place like someone accidentally left them in there without realising that they wouldn't match the tone of the whole.
In fact, that it what is so wrong, and so confusing, about Hellboy II. It is uneven. The technical variation is, when examined, stunning. How can a scene with such amazing cinematography be followed by a scene where the cameraman seemed to have no sense of composition at all? How can truly breathtaking CGI coexisted with such obvious green-screening? How are fight scenes put together with such panache put up against romance and drama where the only technique the editor knows is apparently a too-quick fade? It makes for a very awkward film, worse in fact than if the level were consistently low.
The dialogue gets the golden turkey for this film though, with the plot a close silver. Even Ron Perlman's Tom Waites inspired Hellboy and Doug Jones' masterful physicality cannot save it from being ill-judged, baggy, clunky, exposition laden tripe. 'He does this for you! YOU! All he's ever done is try to help!' cries Liz, flaunting her D in GCSE Drama for all to see. If I had walked on set and seen Selma Blair, I probably would have place a cup on her head after mistaking her for a coffee table. But Selma isn't to blame for her character being a cliche-spewing non entity. She just does the script the injustice it deserves. Here's a tip: when you are borrowing both your actors and the characterisations of those actors from Muppets in Space, start a new draft.
The BPRD are stunningly incompetent and their entire MO seems to be to copy Men In Black, but with myths instead of aliens. But fear not, at least we have a good baddy. Oh no, wait a minute, we don't. Resident antagonist Prince Nuada is a typical noble vengeance-filled type with some sweet spear moves, who is vaguely less reprehensible than his twin sister, a bug-eyed flake who shares a special bond with him (note: the bond is magical fairy incest).
The plot doesn't follow a structure of...any kind whatsoever, but for a film that tries its best not to make any coherent sense its still surprisingly predictable. Blah blah Hellboy wants to go outside blah blah relationships blah maverick mission blah.
At its best (scenes not involving Hellboy and the BPRD that much) the film is a beautiful celebration of cinematic design, costume, set and visual effects which get the crews full love. At its worst (i.e. all the bits with Hellboy et al.) it is a disjointed clip show from the series finale of the Hellboy and Pals TV Series.
This project should have been split into two: a feature length documentary in which Guillermo Del Toro tells us about all the research he's done on mythology, with some CGI set-pieces (maybe Walking With Myths, BBC2), and 'Hellboy and Pals' where the kookie BPRD can spend a six episode arc exchanging bad dialogue and getting drunk. At least then we'd know what we were getting.

2/5